People want to believe they can live fairy-tale lives.
But some people know how to take advantage of that wishful thinking and make a relationship unhealthy, leeching off people as they "bunny hop" from one relationship to the next, says Bernadette Jones, director of Preventing Abusive Relationships Inc., 1314 S. Eighth St.
"I've had people come in this program who have never had a job. They just go from one relationship to the next. They will be looking for the next relationship before the one they're living with will kick them out," Jones says.
Relationships are toxic when one partner feels harmed emotionally or physically, according to Pamela Brewer in the online conference transcript "Toxic Relationships: How to Handle Them" (available online at www.healthyplace.com). Relationships are healthy when a person feels safe, valued and respected, according to Nelson Acquilano in the article "Toxic Relationships and the Quality of Life" (available online at http://improving-relationships.suite101.com).
But some people choose toxic relationships, Brewer says. They may be the only types of relationships they know.
"We may have grown up in a toxic household. We may have been taught that we are not deserving of happiness, or we may have learned to take responsibility for others," Brewer says.
But if someone chooses not to leave a toxic relationship, then entering into personal or couples counseling is a primary objective, Acquilano says.
Relationships turning abusive
When relationships disintegrate into domestic abuse and violence, that's where nonprofit organizations such as Preventing Abusive Relationships Inc., can help.
The agency - which offers domestic violence, anger management and juvenile violence counseling - works with perpetrators of violence to promote non-violent behaviors. Its focus is to keep victims safe and to hold perpetrators accountable.
Power and control, plus financial and emotional issues, are big reasons people struggle in relationships, Bernadette Jones says.
"When that other person says, 'No,' then they step over that imaginary line into abuse and violence," Jones said.
Relationships also can suffer when a financially and emotionally stressed person feels compelled to be with someone else quickly - before both people know much about each other. Reasons range from a fear of being alone to simple economics.
"Two living together in one apartment is easier on minimum wage (earners), if they have a job, than it is for one person," Jones says.
Attachments like that can have a high turnover rate.
"Like I say to them, 'You meet them on Monday. You move in with them on Tuesday. You fight on Wednesday. The cops are called on Thursday. You're in jail on Friday, and you have no place to live on Saturday,' " Jones says.
"In all of this, they've lost the communication skills of any kind, other than violence or abuse communication," Jones says. "They don't know how to ask for what they need or want. If they don't get it, then they get upset."
Relationships trending toward toxic
Partners can sense they need help dealing with an unhealthy relationship when their needs aren't being met, says Lark Kirchner with Prairie Psychotherapy Associates, PC, 1941 S. Spring St.
Typically, clients of Prairie Psychotherapy aren't to the point of domestic violence, but they know something in the relationship doesn't feel right.
Usually, a combination of ongoing, low-grade fighting and some change in the relationship - infidelity, long work hours or a new baby - moves partners to get help, says Marilyn Reinhardt of Prairie Psychotherapy.
"Suddenly, it seems like there's no communication between them, and there's just constant finger-pointing," Reinhardt says.
Reinhardt cites Seattle psychologist John Gottman as saying that 69 percent of what couples fight over is irresolvable issues - money, sex, kids and in-laws.
"There's no easy fix, so it's a perpetual fight that goes on that every time they get irritated with one another, it goes back to that issue," Reinhardt says.
Relationships also are in trouble if they have what Gottman calls "the four horsemen of the apocalypse" - criticism, contempt (name-calling, making faces), defensiveness and stonewalling (silent treatment).
Holidays don't make it go away
Ongoing irritability in relationships may lead to major conflicts during the holidays, Reinhardt says.
"If you have that ongoing kind of irritability in your relationship, and then you find out that all of his family is coming down to visit and both of you work outside the home and you have three little kids, then that can be enough stress to actually cause a major fight or major episode in your relationship."
One of the big questions is where to celebrate holidays.
Reinhardt and her husband spent their first Christmas as a married couple with his family in Nebraska.
"We went out there, and everybody comes in, and within 15 minutes, no one's speaking to one another. They're all in separate rooms," Reinhardt says. "I remember saying, 'At my house, people had disagreements, too, but at Christmas we put that all aside, and everybody was happy with one another.' "
Reinhardt and her husband made sure that when they went back, at least they had a good time even if everybody else didn't.
Intervention
Each partner seeking help at Prairie Psychotherapy Associates is asked what is wrong with the marriage or relationship, Reinhardt says.
"Once you have that list of what they think is wrong with the marriage, then you sort of want to know what did they need from the other person," Reinhardt says. "With that set of problems and needs or wants, you can pretty well start figuring out between the two of them what are they willing to change, because therapy is all about change."
Building mutual respect is important in Prairie Psychotherapy's counseling.
"You may be very, very angry with a partner to the point where you almost want to split, but if there's still respect for that person as a person or maybe that person as a parent, there is still a lot of hope for that relationship," Reinhardt says.
At Preventing Abusive Relationships, Inc., perpetrators of violence learn nonviolent skills through The Duluth Model curriculum for partner abuse.
"The curriculum is basics - what is violence?" Jones says.
"People think that if you leave a bruise, that's violent, but if you just push them down, it's not ... they learn exactly what they can do to de-escalate themselves."
Clients in unhealthy relationships are asked how much they're willing to lose before they "take a look at this," Jones says.
"What we do is education ... I'm not going to solve your problem. I'm not going to work harder than you," Jones says.
Tamara Browning can be reached at 788-1534 or tamara.browning@sj-r.com.
WANT MORE INFO?
Getting healthy
Tips for couples trying to improve their relationships:
SOURCE: Marilyn Reinhardt and Lark Kirchner with Prairie Psychotherapy Associates, PC
- Tamara Browning
