LINDA CASTOR, RN, LCPC: Some of you reading this may already have a great relationship with your father. Your dad probably spent a lot of time with you and did other things to make you feel special-despite all the pressures in this world to work hard and support a family.
Some of you didn't see your dads very often. Maybe he worked too much. Or, other outside influences may have disrupted the relationship.
Some of you may have experienced extremely negative situations all together.
Or, maybe he's already passed away.
Whatever your experience, life brings about opportunities where you are faced with choices about this unique relationship: to continue to connect, re-connect, make peace with yourself regarding your father or do nothing at all. Father's Day is just one of those days that can bring up such thoughts or emotions. What can you do to help yourself cope and move forward in this process?
First, you must begin to heal the relationship with yourself. (Quite the therapist-talk, right?) But it is important that you define yourself and what kind of person you are in the world-not your father's definition. If your dad had anything positive to do about that, then, by all means, take it in and thank him on Father's Day. If not, then take out the negative stuff and instead, incorporate any of his good qualities. It may sound silly, but this is step one. And it is ongoing.
Step two is defining what you want in a relationship with your kids (or future children). Just because you didn't get the kind of fathering you needed doesn't mean you will do the same to them. On the other hand, be mindful of not overcompensating with your kids for something you did not receive from your father. Instead, strive to find a healthy balance that makes sense for all of you in your family.
Step three is actually being willing to make the connection with your father and embracing whatever comes from that experience. This means taking a risk of opening up old wounds or disappointments, while forgiving but not forgetting, and basically: finding out. What will I never get from him? What is he capable of giving me now? How will I choose to live with that? If you're lucky, you might just end up having a surprising down-to-earth conversation about misconceptions and acknowledgments that could change and heal everything you do with him-and anyone else in your life.
Linda Castor, RN, LCPC, is a nurse and therapist at Clocktower Therapy Center who specializes in family therapy and several areas of psychotherapy. Castor can be reached at www.LindaCastor.com.
