What are the keys to a happy and loving relationship?

Love is such a strong and powerful emotion.  I have seen it work miracles in my office when couples need help in overcoming affairs, substance abuse or unruly mother-in-laws.  Love is the emotional glue that keeps us in the game.  Without it, we would give up in a heartbeat, so to speak.

What puzzles many people about love and happiness is worthy of discussion. If love is so enduring, then why does happiness seem to come and go?  Every couple I see that has been tested a little too much on life's roller coaster attempts to maintain that original happiness and near-opiate feeling of being in love.  Perhaps we all have at one time or another.  But we really don't need to.  With each moment, we can deepen and experience new ways to love one another-and remain happy. 

In the beginning, everything is beautiful.  We are attracted to positive characteristics in the other person that are well known to us, and we fall in love.  Later, we notice not-so-pleasant qualities that are ALSO all-too-familiar and become emotionally and negatively triggered.  This escalates in both camps, and before you know it, World War III has started.  So, what are the keys to holding on to happiness and thwarting conflict?

1. Recognize that you are both on the same side.  Find out what each one of you wants out of the marriage and work towards that goal together.
2. Understand the other's emotional wounds from childhood.  Through psychotherapy, couples can learn how to help each other heal and understand motives for behavior, instead of assuming negativity.
3. Show respect for one another.  Nurture fondness and admiration.
4. Listen.  Rediscover what your partner has to offer you and what you have to offer your partner.
5. Give each other what you need.  Encourage each other's vision for the future, including personal dreams or goals.
6. Create positive, shared experiences.  In the recent PBS special, This Emotional Life, researchers demonstrated that couples who overcame and completed an obstacle course before they heard the buzzer felt a sense of mutual success.  When spouses rated each other after the event, they did so in very positive, glowing terms.

On a closing note, I found it interesting that scientists from this PBS program concluded that we need each other to be happy.  So, nurture your relationships and find new and exciting journeys to take with your mate.  Apparently, you will be a happier camper!

Linda Castor, RN, LCPC, is a nurse and therapist at Clocktower Therapy Center who specializes in wellness and several areas of psychotherapy.  Castor can be reached at www.LindaCastor.com.